The Meditation Experiment

Who am I?

This is the question I was instructed to ponder as I agreed to take part in a world-wide 21 day daily meditation hosted by Oprah and led by meditation expert, Deepak Chopra. 

The first few minutes of Oprah talking were fine, plus there was a pretty picture of a sunset on the screen. “I can do this!” I said to no one, “Bring it!”

Then Deepak chimed in, and it all fell apart. Meditation is about trying to stay focused, pushing out distracting thoughts that take you out of the moment. Not easy for someone whose life is built on distracting thoughts.

The first thing I did was check the timer, 20 minutes to go. 20 minutes?! Thoughts of everything I could do with that 20 minutes rush through my head, until suddenly there was just music. Why is there just music? What am I supposed to do now? Did I miss the instructions?

So I back  up the meditation- which right there tells me I’m not even close to doing it right - and find out that I should be sitting quietly with my hands loosely in my lap, contemplating the question Who Am I.

Am I holding my hands right? I saw a picture of the Beatles meditating on 60 minutes last night and they made little O’s with their thumb and finger, so I give that a try.  The arthritis in my wrist throbs and I have a giant hangnail on my thumb I try to bite off. 

I think- no, I’m sure- I need to go to the bathroom. Nothing much is going on in the meditation world, so I take a quick break. Same music and photo…still no talking. 18 minutes of this left.  

Maybe they don’t change the photo because I’m supposed to have my eyes closed instead of staring at the screen while sports radio plays in the background.  The Celtics beat the Heat, Yeah! Can you make a lot of money being a meditation expert? Why do we keep moving the clocks forwards and backwards an hour?

It’s painfully clear I’m not the mediation type, but in the spirit of Who Am I, I decide to make a list of who I am to see how much I can write down until the music stops. So here I go.

I am a daughter, sister, niece, fiancé, friend, philanthropist and volunteer.  

I am frustrated, flabbergasted, discouraged and encouraged. I am tired, curious, quiet, serious, introverted, joyful, hopeful, faithful and youthful. I can be impulsive, contemplative, spiritual, empathetic and persistent. I feel lucky, empty, restless and hungry. 

I am a survivor.

I’m a good driver, bad singer, goal setter, bath person, dog lover and reality TV watcher. I’m a fast walker, fast talker and slow eater. I am a thinker, whiner, writer, runner, worrier, planner and coffee drinker.

At any moment I’m living, thinking, dreaming, laughing, crying, hoping, sweating, freezing, endearing, frustrating, encouraging and annoying. I can be inconsolably sad and hopelessly optimistic.  I’m focused, productive, exasperated, intuitive, nurturing and stressed. I’m screwed up, messed up, washed up and worked up. I’m….

Just then Deepak chimes in with what appears to be the answer: I am my deepest desire. Yeah, I’m that too.

So I add it to my list, and throw in list-maker for good measure, and it’s a wrap.

I think I’m getting the hang of this mediation thing. 

Bring on Day 2.