Enough

I believe I was in the middle of eating a meatball when he grabbed my hand.

It was over 30 years ago, in what now seems like someone else’s life. I was at my former sister-in-law’s home at a traditional Italian family dinner when her tenant from the upstairs apartment barged in urgently as if escaping a fire.

He grabbed my hand and looked at it intently. “You’ll never be rich, but you’ll always have enough.”

He was likely younger than he looked, prematurely wrinkled, thin and balding. His features were all a bit crooked. He stared at me strangely, as if he knew secrets about me I didn’t even know I had. I was told he was a vagabond and had worked in the circus for most of his life as a psychic. But before you assume my reading was just vague enough that it could apply to anyone, there’s more to the story.

“Read me!” my ex asked.

“Broken window,” the odd character said with a thin grin, just before we heard the loud crash of a brick being thrown through our car window. At which point he closed my ex’s hand and pushed it back towards him as if to say, ‘you asked for it’.

The whole exchange happened in about the time it took you to read about it, but it has stuck with me my entire life. Fueled by the creepy confirmation of the ‘broken window’ event, I often reflect on the mean of having ‘enough’ in my life.

There is something strangely beautiful about the word when used as a describer.

Enough love.
Enough friends.
Enough money.
Enough time.

It has a Goldilocks and the Three Bears ring to it. Not too little, not too much, just enough.

It assumes contentment. A lack of greediness. An abundance of thankfulness.

It also carries the undertone of knowing that while things could be better, they could also be much worse.

Enough heartache to know true love. Enough sadness to appreciate joy. Enough illness to be thankful for good health. Enough difficulty to balance my blessings.

In May of this year, I made the decision to end my newspaper career after 35 years in print media.

In short, I had had enough.

Enough time wasted sitting in traffic. Enough 12-hour days. Enough stressing about budgets. Enough Sunday nights spent dreading Monday mornings. Enough leaving in the dark, and coming home in the dark.

It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make in my life, but in the end, it came down to this.

I don’t need a corporate life.
I don’t need a big income.
I don’t need a big title.

Because along with those things comes a big price tag.

What I really need is, quite simply, enough.

Amen.

Still Thankful

For the past several years, I've made a Thanksgiving list of little and big things I'm grateful for. But not this year.

Not that I wasn't grateful, but there were bigger things going on in my life I was not all that thankful for that I had to deal with, which demoted my thanksgiving list to the bottom of the bigger 'to do' list.

But in this peaceful hour as the New Year begins, I reflect back on some of the little things that made me smile last year, and find myself hoping for new reasons to smile in 2014.

And realizing any day is a good day to be thankful, here is my short list:

Waking up in a rush for work, then remembering its Saturday. 

Finding the perfect little Christmas tree. Finding out its only $8- score! Businesses who sell Christmas trees for $8. The peaceful glow of a tiny tree with lights on it.

A neighbor who gives you an ingredient you are missing half way into your recipe. Having the time to cook just for the love of cooking, not because I got home late and I’m starving. Not actually knowing what real starving feels like. 

Frequent buyer reward programs.  A paid off credit card.  Celebrating Christmas by ‘being’ instead of buying.

Running friends who help me get my butt out the door on frigid winter days. Getting into a car made warm by the sun on a cold day.  My wildly diverse group of friends who teach me every day, viva la difference! 

People who put the food divider up for you at the grocery store. People who help seniors put their food on the counter. Helpers. Seniors. 

Little kids who want to go on the biggest roller coasters.  Seeing little faces light up when they meet the height requirement. A little hand grabbing yours because they want to sit with you on a ride. Little kids saying “I wuv you” (insert heart melting here).

People who are told they don’t have long to live, but live on. Appreciating every ‘bonus’ day of our lives. Beating the odds. Placing a 10-1 bet in Vegas in April for the Sox to win it all. Red Sox beards. World Series wins. Aspiring to world peace.  A piece of gold birthday cake with buttercream frosting from Coffee Time.

Familiar routines. New adventures. Doing. Learning. Exploring. 

Vacations that recharge you. Looking at vacation photos and videos that bring you back to that moment. Getting excited when I recognize places I’ve visited when I’m watching TV. Doing something new ‘just to say I did it’. 

Being strong enough to do push-ups and sit ups. Having the discipline to actually do them.  Strength of character.  All the great ‘characters’ I’ve met in my life.

Seasonal honey dipped cider crullers from ‘you know where’.

Strangers who make eye contact and say ‘good morning’ instead of staring at their smart phone.  Pleasant people. Being pleasantly surprised. 

People who ask if you need help when your car hood is up. Being able to say “no thanks” because I can check and fill my own oil.

Having access to a gym and showers at work. No excuses. Discovering I can catch up on reality TV on my kindle while running on the treadmill. Not having to talk Doug into watching Project Runway at home anymore- score! 

Fist pumping. High fiving. Not being left hanging like Tom Brady. 

New hopes. New dreams.

A new year.

Oh, Sandy!

It’s 5 a.m. the morning after Hurricane Sandy’s rude and uninvited visit. I brew a cup of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee, turn on my laptop, and a post storm surge of gratitude rushes over me.

I am grateful I have a roof over my head, literally.
Seeing the flooding and evacuation in areas that got hit hard, I’m thankful for all the things I didn’t have to figure out: when and how to leave my home, what to take with me, how to round up elderly family members, how many days until I can sleep/eat/wash and begin again. I’m lucky I only have to give that a passing thought, and can quickly move onto the next thing I’m grateful for.

I’m grateful I can sleep/eat/wash.
Imagine having to worry about such things? Thanks goodness we don’t have to.

I’m grateful to not have to eat peanut butter sandwiches for several days in a row.
Sure, I like peanut butter sandwiches, but I also like a choice. And nothing can ruin your favorite food like being forced to eat it over and over again. I also realized how lame I am for not being able to think of anything else I could have eaten that doesn’t require refrigeration or cooking.

I’m grateful I didn’t have to bond over the loss of electricity.
I heard some folks claim that a power outage would bring their family closer together. Perhaps they envisioned themselves gleefully playing monopoly or scrabble, their animated face the stuff of a Saturday morning commercial, aglow in candlelight as they shared peanut butter sandwiches, hopes and dreams. But I know some of those people, and let’s just say that scenario would likely not have gone as planned. And I’m glad they didn’t have to find that out for themselves.

I am grateful for chores.
Well, not exactly having to do them, but knowing I can if I’m so inclined. It might not be a lot of joy to do things such as cook, wash dishes, wash clothes, go food shopping, go to the bank, fill up your gas tank but just imagine if you couldn’t do those things. That would really stink.

I’m grateful I didn’t have to figure out how to flush my toilet with a bucket of water from the bathtub.  ‘Nuff said.

I’m grateful I’m dry.
As I channel surfed cable (add ‘not losing cable tv’ to my list), it was hard to escape a reporter who was not soaking wet, plopped into the eye of the storm in harm’s way. One forecaster who weighed about 90 lbs. was hanging onto a beam of what was once part of the Atlantic City boardwalk as evacuation crews were ordering her to get out, and another guy in New York was standing in a surge of water up to his waist as a tsunami crashed over his head. I’m not even a fan of drizzle, so I’m glad to not be standing knee deep in rushing water while strapped to a fence so I don’t blow away (yes, I saw that too). 

I’m grateful that I can go to work today.
Yes my job can be frustrating, imperfect and is well past its expiration date, but today I’m thankful that I can wake up, turn on a light, drink a cup of coffee, write this article, wash, drive to the office and find my work and co-workers safe and sound. There is always tomorrow for it to annoy me again, but today is a good day to go to work.

Because I can.

And for that I am grateful.