Backhanded Compliments

I am the brunt of a running joke in my house with this punch line: "Why don’t you write a letter?" This comment generally follows any incident or experience that leaves me feeling disappointed, disillusioned or downright disgusted. At face value, I suppose it is complimentary, as I have been known to write letters that get things done. My successful track record over the years includes coupons for free meals, free hotels and most recently, free chicken salad (the result of a complimentary letter). But there is a tone and taunting about this tag line that tinges on the sarcastic, with the unspoken part being why I should write a letter. Is it because I’m a principled person? Is it because a business might appreciate knowing what they are doing right or wrong? Or is it because I’m a raging lunatic who is never satisfied?

A few nights later I’m having dinner with friends when we order a round of drinks that sound delicious and look beautiful, but tasted like kerosene. "Beth, will you ask if we can get something different? You’re so good at that stuff." Hmm, what exactly is the ‘stuff’ I’m good at? Am I good at politely asking for help without being insulting? Am I good at speaking up for others when they are in an uncomfortable situation? Or am I just good at complaining?

Even in my volunteer life I am not immune from caustic compliments, as one generous supporter said he donated because I was ‘relentless’. Hmm, do you mean relentless as in passionate about the mission of the organization? Or relentless as in you donated so I would stop stalking you? His honest answer, delivered with smile, was "Perhaps a little bit of both."

Backhanded compliments are interesting as they can reveal something about both parties, intended or not. A good example of this is a co-worker who is half my age. Although he is very fit, he is not a runner. Still, he decided to run a half marathon with no training because, as he said, "If you can do, then I can do it". Hmm… as in, I’m a huge inspiration to you? Or as in, if I did it, then it can’t be that hard? The Monday morning after his hot and hilly run, he stopped by my office and dropped another backhanded bomb. "I was thinking of you during the race. I thought I was going to die, and I kept saying I can’t believe Beth ran a marathon!" Meaning you can’t believe I had the inner strength and endurance to accomplish such an impressive feat of athleticism? Or meaning you can’t believe a woman twice your age kicked your butt?

Women are particularly susceptible to these backhanded blunders. Because of our inherent insecurities, we’ve developed selective hearing that will zoom in on the one word that changes the intended compliment into an intentional assault. A young girl thought she was shooting me a compliment when she said "You dress cool for an older woman!" which my brain quickly shortened to "You…. old woman". In fact, any statement that begins by saying how beautiful, thin, fit, smart or stylish someone is, is immediately nullified when followed by the phrase "…for an older woman".

Thinking I’m getting too sensitive in my old age, I decide to stop reading so much into things, and be more accepting of compliments regardless of the form they come in. The litmus test comes as I’m playing with my friend’s granddaughter, who in between giggles tells me sincerely "You’re so pretty" followed by this kicker "…just like my grandma". And as my friend and I share a knowing look that feels both the pleasure and pain in that statement, I give her a big fat kiss and tell her that’s the best news I’ve heard all day.