Miss Predictable

It happened twice in the same day at work. First, I sent an email to the staff about an issue, followed by an individual email to someone with an example. That’s when a co-worker popped up like a Jack in the Box and stated what was obvious to everyone but me: “So who got the 2nd message?” Unbeknownst, I’ve done the same thing for 20 years. First I send a group email about something “that affects us all”, and then I lower the boom with an individual one.

In the 2^nd instance, a co-worker asked me where my magazines were, as apparently it was the first time in decades I missed sharing some on Monday, even though I had no recollection that this was expected behavior on my part. And in fact, she was right, as I remembered recycling them by accident. When I lamented to her that I didn’t realize I was so predictable, she laughed and said I needed to find a new trick for April Fool’s Day next year, as they were onto that as well.

Out to breakfast that Saturday morning, I reflected solemnly on the fact that I am not nearly as mysterious and spontaneous as I fancy myself, only to have the waitress greet me with a cheery “Good morning… the usual?”

Once I started looking for it, my predictability was undeniable, as evidenced by the following statements that came rapid fire: “I knew you were going to say that”, “I knew you were going to do that”, “I knew you were going to blow up when I said that” and the ever popular “You’ve told me that story about 1,000 times already”.

Which led me to the conclusion that I don’t actually need to be present in my life to make an impact, so instead of engaging me in conversation or discussion when you already know what my response will be, just leave me out of the equation and insert the obvious and act accordingly. I am giddy thinking of all the time I could free up in my life not having to carry out my predictable behavior.

Instead of trudging around work every day repeating myself over and over again like a workaholic cockatoo, I could hire a full time trainer and become the picture of physical fitness for my age, eventually qualifying for the senior Olympics and accepting the silver medal on the podium on behalf of the USA. Or instead of choosing just a few charities to volunteer for with my limited time, I could volunteer all day, every day, and make the world a significantly better place while my coworkers wander in and out of my office, correctly predicting how I would respond to each question they ask or situation that arises and proceeding on their own. Genius!

At home, my partner would assume all day absence meant I was on my usual schedule of running, food shopping and doing errands, but instead I’d be taking rock climbing or scuba diving lessons, or re-learning the violin. Then I would finally start my long delayed book project while friends and family have witty conversations with an imaginary me, correctly predicting the moments that I would interject a wise remark or timely chuckle. Or they could go to a movie they know I would like, followed by my favorite restaurant and my predictable dinner order and talk about how they knew that movie would make me cry.  And while my predictable life is being lived without me, I would take French lessons so I would fit in seamlessly when I up and move to Paris.

I confide to a close friend my dream of escaping my repetitive “Groundhog Day” life and moving someplace new where I can redefine myself, make a fresh start, and live the life I’ve dreamed about. To which she smiles and aptly says “You say the same thing every New Years”.

And with that, I realize that even my dream of being unpredictable is predictable. Leaving me with more to ponder next time I order my usual breakfast at my usual place.